In the days of sail, a boatswain was court-martialled for murdering a sailor. It seemed he had knocked the man on the head and thrown his body over the side. He said the man had deserted, and swum ashore.
His defending officer made a lot of the fact that no body had been found.

"In fact," he said, "The sailor has just been arrested by the press gang, and they will now bring him in."

He pointed to the cabin door, and the judges followed his direction.

After thirty seconds, nothing happened. He lowered his arm and said, "Gentlemen, I confess that he has not been found - but you all waited to see if he would appear. You must therefore have some doubt that he is dead, and so you must not convict."

The court martial continued, and eventually the court was cleared for the five judges withdrew to discuss their verdict. There seemed no doubt, but the most junior judge (who must give his opinion first) said firmly, "Guilty."

"Nonsense," said the Admiral, "We all looked at the door. How can you have no doubt?"

"We all looked at the door, sir, but the boatswain didn't"

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

The ensign was instructing a group of enlisted reserves on the potential for information about an attack transport their ship was towing. They were seated in a cramped room full of green scopes and crackling radios. The end of the lecture was concluded with these words: "Thus you can tell that there is no possible danger because nothing can approach within 2000 yards of us without our being aware of it at once."


Just then the towed ship bumped into the main vessel where the lecture was held and all were thrown off their feet. While they were struggling to get up, the duty radarman said, "Now you men must realize something the officer lecturing you did not tell you. There is a 300-yard deductible on that guarantee!"

A soldier serving in Korea was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"